here, i tell you the truth.

sitting there on a bench where we used to have our little conversations every morning, i could feel a feeling of relief wash over me that i was finally able to let go of our every almost.

what i hardly realized was i romanticized those things we had in the past more than they deserved. i grew accustomed to the idea of you that i had planted inside my head. and the idea itself became my muse.

while you never were.

if only time machine did exist

it came in waves every so often

and, every scenes was too vivid to call it a mere nostalgia

like when its five in the morning and i was sitting on the roof, gazing at the peach painted east sky as the sun gradually rose above the horizon

or when i was unable to sleep, i drew back the curtain and stared beyond the window at the starry sky up there

its as if every beautiful things i saw would only drift my mind away, back to those long gone days

back then, i hadn't had any idea that what made me whole in that very moment would one day leave me empty

this empty

adieu.

it was june again, and i was there, sitting by the window at the corner of a small coffee shop that used to be our favorite spot for everytime she threw tantrums you could no longer handle. 

the night breeze kept sneaking in through the opened window pane to sweep off my freshly cut short hair, made it messier than it already was. i didn't expect you to ask me why i did it; cutting my long wavy hair you once told me that you liked it very much and that you couldn't suppose it being chopped as short as that. i didn't even expect you to come. 

its been years. i had stopped counting. i had no energies left to water even the slightest hope that someday the bell would ring as the door creaked open and it would be you. the reason i was there, on the day our eyes first locked each others, was nothing but to tell you that you were out of my life. 

because i listened to our song and i shuddered no more. and when i found a polaroid film with us looking genuinely happy in it, my heart did not thump. i drowned myself in routines and i no longer thought about you every single day. i didn't see your faces everywhere. i didn't seek for you in the crowd of strangers. i didn't drive aimlessly in the middle of the night just to reminisce those gone days. 

you were out of my life. because everytime i fell into his arms, i felt right where i belonged. 

beach house - space song

were you ever lost?
was she ever found?

until we both gave up

let me take you back to the beginning of our story.

the way you caressed my forehead ignited sparks within me; those that embroidered the new year eves sky above us, back when we noticed no slightest clues that life was only deceiving us into believing that forever lived inside our intertwined fingers. it was all about butterflies perching on our rib cages, soaring down to our stomach; the kind of torment that people longed for. the world was ours and we were too young to pay attention. and me, i was too naive to consider myself ready.

now let me tell you one of the things that remain vivid - remember the night we lied down on the seashore sands doing thing adults these days deemed it cheesy; star gazing? i'd still admit it was the most beautiful night i had ever experienced in my whole life. we talked and talked. revealing every past scenes and secrets we never got the nerve to let loose. discovering each other thoughts. picturing every possibilities the future held. 

lets just say that we had not figured out yet that such things were only some parts of a story that demanded a closure.

again, it was great and we called it love, even when we weren't so sure about the exact definition of it. it was joys that wrapped us till we almost became one. it was everything nice - until we stopped listening to the songs we both wanted each other to hear and instead we began feeding each other with lies. until depression had eventually concocted its way beneath our skin. until exhaustion composed our body as much as water did to ours.

until we both gave up.